Satire: What not to do on your first US trip?

Ok, first things first. This is a satire. Please do not take this post seriously. Or should I say, take it with a pinch of salt. No wait, that's too much BP. Take it with a scoop of yogurt instead!

This is my first US trip. It's been 10 weeks in US now. I am not sure for how long will it last. But I am taking my time to experience it all in my own little way. And hey, life keeps on teaching you lessons every single day and I have learnt a lot of unwanted (and some wanted) lessons in the past few weeks. Thanks to these lessons and their repercussions, it took me time to (re)start the blogging part of my life in US. 

Image courtesy - http://gfx9.com/

What should I do with these lessons? Share, of course. So here are some of the unwanted lessons. Read and let me know if you have experienced some of these or if you think a lot more can be added here -

1. Delete the song "Yeh Jo Des Hai Tera" (movie Swades) from your playlist - No seriously, delete it. Personally, I loved the song a lot. I still do. It is one of AR Rahman's classic. The lyrics, the music and the voice - they elevate you to a totally different level. I have it as part of my playlist. Just days after reaching US, I was listening to songs on my smartphone. I had kept the song selection as random, which means any song will be selected at random. As luck would have it, this song played. The bad part is, I started listening to this song from a different perspective now. But then I realized, Javed Akhtar is a genius. He left a loophole in the song. You see, the song goes on to say - "sab toh pa liya, ab hai kya kami". That's the loophole we need to exploit. After all, when did we achieve everything? There's still more to achieve right? Still, to be on the safer side, delete this song for now. You won't regret it. Also, for some reason not known to me, I had "Kiska hai yeh tumko intezaar, main hoon na" song from the movie "Main Hoon Na". It has a sad version too, which is very sad. Delete that song too. Trust me.
2. Do not bring too much Indian stuff. They already have it here! Especially, if you have a project in NY / NJ, you will not only meet a lot of Indians every day, you will also end up buying groceries and other stuff (Indian) from Indian stores. Some of these grocery stores also play Indian music (talk of ambiance!). I brought a lot of stuff (including pressure cooker, frying pan, plates etc) assuming I needed these the most since I will be able to buy other stuff from US. It turns out, my hotel was in a street unofficially named as the "Indian Street". Ohh don't laugh, there's more - the closest shop to my hotel was a "pan-wala" shop! I must admit, I had my doubts about reaching US especially after having a 16 hour long flight. But the hotel selection and the location was just my luck (Good / Bad - you decide). The bottom-line is - bring only those stuff that you need. Rest all are available here.
3. While in US, left is not right - right is right. Adjusting to this rule will take a lot of your time. Even while walking. Suppose you are walking down the road and someone is walking in the opposite direction. In India, as per norm, you are supposed to 'keep left' so that you don't collide with the other person. In US, it's all right. Keep right is the norm here. While driving, right side of the road is your lane (unless it's one-way). I have had moments where, when you walk, you inadvertently keep left and the other person coming towards you keep right. If not for the last second corrections we Mumbaikars learnt from Mumbai's own education system, I would have invited trouble.
4. You can stand on escalators. You can walk on escalators at the same time - Yes, that's true. In India, especially in the metros, we are always busy and it shows in the way we walk / brisk walk / run. When you are overtaking someone on the stairs, you unknowingly (most of the times) bump your shoulder onto your fellow traveller. This incident is irritating for both. Some of us apologize and move on. Most just move on. Many countries, including US, have a solution for this. They have a clear path for people always on the hurry (left side of the escalator) while people who want to enjoy their moment in the escalator, can stay on the right side.  Philosophically, everyone reaches their destination; some just decide to rush.

Well, these are some of the lessons I learnt while in US. I am learning more with every passing day. Will share them too in due course of time. By the way, did I miss out on anything?

That feeling when humans lose to machines

Life from 5 years to roughly about 23-25 years are tough on Earth, especially in competitive places like India. The target audience are kids turned to teens and later to adults. You are required to study, study and study till your grades improve (exam on exam and relative improvement compared to your batch-mates). Post 10th starts another bottleneck competition to fetch the best seats in top colleges. The cycle of “study-study-score-secure another seat” continues for 2 more years and you reach the first genuine crossroad of your life. What to do after 12th? The preferred fields are Medicine and some take Engineering (although this preference is diminishing every year). 

Once you have decided the future course of action, another cycle starts till you finish your graduation and starts searching for a job. Now assume you got your job (dream or not – immaterial in this case). You join a company, meet your team, your bosses and learn about what (all) you are supposed to do. Irrespective of what your job profile is, you will have to do something that is mandatory. The document you are viewing needs to be viewed again while you are travelling. Assuming you don’t have a smart device, you will inevitably click on File >> Print >> Print or for the tech geeks out there – “Ctrl+P”. You walk towards the printer to collect your printed document and… wait. Wait again. Still wait. Why is the printer not responding? The diagnostic side of you wants to check the buttons on the printer, maybe there’s a start button somewhere. Bingo! There is. You press the button. No response again. You repeatedly press the start button illogically hoping that pressing continuously will make the printer realize that the user is frustrated and it better get started. But that’s not how the machine is configured.

That’s when it hits you badly. All that study, all the sleepless nights you took to study stuffs, some of which you didn’t like is of no use. All those mathematical formulae, geometry, trigonometry, Mechanics, Engineering Drawing, Mobile technology, Radar and Satellites, nano-technology aren’t equipped to help you solve this straight-forward problem. The medical folks, you went through hell by studying Anatomy, different systems in human body, dissecting animals and human bodies to learn the working and structure and don’t even get me started on nervous systems! But those things won’t come to your aid to solve this, will they?

But you can’t look like a fool now. You are a graduate after all. They say trials bring out the best in you. So, you first start looking to your left and right – not for help initially, but to see if anyone’s watching your misery. No one. So, it’s not worse than you think. You take a close look at the printer, just to check if you are missing something. The chord is connected. The printer is switched on. The maker’s logo is flashing on the small screen. Basic checks done. You look at the buttons they have on offer. You then try fiddling with the buttons, try tweaking the settings and then press start again. No response. To emphasize your frustration, you repeatedly press start again.

Now comes the “seeking help” phase. You start looking for friends / colleagues you know. Then someone walks by. You immediately look up to him as your Good Samaritan and ask him for his help. He smiles (not sure if he was smiling ‘at’ you or was that just a courtesy smile), looks at the printer, presses the start button (as if you haven’t done that already). He thinks for few seconds with a twisted expression on his face suggesting he is deep in thought and then says something that makes you feel so little that the solitary ant you saw near the printer suddenly looks like a giant Elephant ready to trample you under his feet. You sheepishly follow the advice and then the much-awaited printout comes out. You wonder how did you miss that basic electronic solution?

The advice – Restart the printer and check again! 

Satire: Guess what's mightier than a Pen?

I am sure we have heard the age old proverb - "Pen is mightier than Sword". Which is to mean a non-violent approach to solving a problem is more beneficial than a violent one. It's a very useful and relevant proverb since time immemorial. Until recently in India, that is.

We Indians have adopted a "novel" and "cost-conscious" approach to take law into our own hands (quite literally). Once upon a time, there used to be something known as Ink. Some intellectuals used long leaflets, dipped the tip of the leaflet into ink-pots and write intellectual stuff that found its way into our School syllabus and we cleared those subjects by mugging the words rather than the thoughts. Since nature missed a trick to store ink in leaflets, humans made ink-pens, which is nothing more than a leaflet type object with ability to store ink. Then someone disrupted this industry - ball-point pens. This was followed by computers where the ink is stored only in the cartridge of the printers! We don't need to use ink to write - just type some stuff and take a print-out!

All this is considered legal and market driven. What's not considered market driven is the below -

Who's responsible for this? These incidents can only be termed as frustration pouring out through ink. Not the frustration of the people who threw ink, but for the people who manufacture ink for a living. Consider this - ink manufacturers are after all - aam aadmi. They need to survive. The technology age has forced their product to enter "decline" stage in the product life cycle. They need to extract the maximum possible juice from their product before being extinct. Now-a-days, many people are maintaining online diaries. Newspaper firms have e-paper as an alternate product just to be in business when newspapers become extinct. So how in this beautiful world can ink manufacturers survive? Where will their next million come from?

Strategy and how it works - Politicians are not missing an opportunity to lower opponents from the proverbial ladder of success. One of the way is to embarrass their opponents at every option given to them. Throwing shoes is one way (they smartly throw one shoe so that the victim doesn't have an option to wear them). Another way is to throw something that can darken the face temporarily and that's where ink comes into picture. News hungry cameras will catch the action live and it will be shown in ultra-slow motion (same technology used in Cricket) with hours of needless analysis thrown in. Ink manufacturers meanwhile get all this promotion for FREE! That's right, everything happens free of cost and the actions encourage potential buyers. A new market in the making. Marketing is, after all, finding a hole in the marker provided there's a market in the hole. Isn't that just brilliant?

There was an era when swords were considered powerful. Then the writers made pen mightier. Who would have ever thought that ink would be the mightiest of them all and that too, in this digital era! 

Satire: How to solve ODI bowling woes?

Bruised, Battered, Hammered and completely @#*&*%@ (word censored by Indian Cricket Committee after their review of this post).



Dhoni made an interesting comment after the seven match ODI series against Australia at home. He talked about teams easily chasing scores in excess of 350 and that 350s have become what 300s were few years back - a competitive total. Honestly, I don't think that's true. Just a look at the bowling line-up of the two competing teams (India - Australia then and India - South Africa now) suggest that there was no one threatening among Indians bowlers. India's supposed spearhead had their tail between his legs. Carom ball became just another ball. Yorkers became non-existent - and sometimes dispatched for sixes. India-Australia ODI series became an extended version of Hong-Kong super sixes tournament. And new ODI rules aren't helping the bowlers either!

If this trend goes on, it won't be long before the entire bowling community becomes extinct. And that's where this post comes in. The National Cricket Board, after a long discussion - almost 15 minutes - have come up with a solution. A solution that will completely eliminate this current crisis.

Solution: If bowlers are having problems, remove them entirely from Cricket. Since technology is making everything redundant, bowlers will be replaced by bowling machines used during training. This is how it will work out -

Why? Spectators want to see fours and sixes - lets give it to them! Conduct a batting academy to prepare the team for 2015 World Cup. Board will have a team of 15 top batsmen and no bowlers. Moreover, machines have been in training for long. Its time to utilize all their training experience during the match.

What about other boards? Indian board will request (Read: Force) boards of other countries to follow the same. Based on past interactions, requesting the other boards will only elicit positive response.

What will happen to popular pace academy? It will now be utilized as a bowling machine manufacturing unit.

How to generate revenue? Rent out the surface of the bowling machine to marketers. Bowlers are financial liabilities. Machines will be financial assets, injury free and without long hair. Board will have to shell out one-time cost to buy the machine and some standard maintenance charges. This will be less compared to the salaries paid out to multiple bowlers. Also, for maximizing ad revenue, have 2 machines instead of one. Through this solution, board will be converting liabilities into assets - dream of any business entity.

Who will manage the bowling machine? The obvious choice will be the captain. However, the captain can decide to delegate the responsibility to any of his fielders.

If at all there is a right time to introduce such a novel concept, it is NOW! Bowlers are not at their best and the innovations in batting and new cricket rules aren't helping either. Maybe this innovation in bowling can nip the issue right in the bud!

PS: This is a satire. And satire (I hope), it will remain.

Things we will miss if the world ends on 21st December 2012..

There's a certain group who (used to) believe that the world will end on 21st December 2012. And it's based on a calendar they follow. They have taken back their initial belief and are of the opinion that the world won't end on 12/21/2012. But let's take this discussion to the next level - the  fictional one. Let's just assume the world actually ends today. Aren't there many things that we will miss? Things that we needed to complete, to watch, to experience, things you were waiting for all this while.

Image courtesy: http://bizarrocomic.blogspot.com

There are a lot of things from different areas of life that we will miss for sure, especially considering the times we live in. Lets not include the personal stuffs here, just the social ones. Here are some of those:

1. Sports:

• Indian Cricket team is going through a bad phase (and a long one at that). Fans are shouting for change. One such change includes a debate on whether Sachin Tendulkar should immediately retire. Don't you want to see Sachin playing his last match, getting to bat for the last time, a guard of honor from the opposition and ultimately retiring? If the world is ending, there won't be a closure on this saga!
• Formula 1 2012 season was nothing short of spectacular! Amazing races and the championship went till the last lap, in fact even beyond the last lap (with Ferrari questioning Vettel's overtaking). If this is what happened in 2012, don't you want to see how 2013 pans out? If that certain group have their way, there won't be a 2013 season! And my wish of a championship win for Kimi Raikkonen will remain a wish.
• As an Arsenal fan, I am going through mixed emotions. We are winning, we are losing and are not where we want to be in the EPL table. We qualified for the knockout stages of the Champions league for like the nth time now but have never won. I, for one, would like to see Arsenal winning the UEFA Champions League. 
• Though I am not as big a fan of Lawn Tennis as I used to be during Sampras - Agassi days, I still try and follow the Grand Slams. With four contenders to choose from in the Men's draw (Djokovic, Nadal, Federer and Murray), we can look forward to an exciting semi final clashes in all the four Grand Slams! But wait, can we really look forward now?

2. Politics:

• Narendra Modi has won the state of Gujarat for the 3rd time in succession. That's quite an achievement in itself. Only time will tell when he will target the 2014 elections. But, assuming the world end as planned, we might not be able to witness the outcome. But hey, there won't be any outcome!
• We love shocking revelations. We loved wikileaks. 2012 saw an Indian version of Julian Assange. Enter Arvind Kejriwal. So far he has just played the witch hunting game. There will be a time he will take his politics to the next level. Or maybe he knows the world is ending and is just playing his part to have a lasting impression. It's Indian politics, your guess will be only as good as mine (and vice versa).

3. Movies:

• Dabangg 2 releases the same day the world is scheduled to end. This was Salman Khan's chance to enter the Rs 200 crore club and stake his claim as the most sale-able Bollywood actor. It seems highly unlikely that he will cross Rs. 200 crore in a single day. To make matters worse, he was also planning for Dabangg 3 next year! Damn, even that goes out of the window.
• Shahrukh Khan still claims to be the baadshah of Bollywood. However, he is yet to prove it in numbers. 2013 could have been the year for him. He will definitely lose a lot more than others if the world were to end today.
• Though I am not sure, but I can safely assume Golmaal 4 would've been released next year. Its a money making franchise. Rohit Shetty and Ajay Devgn are keeping their fingers crossed today which will make it really difficult for either of them to tweet their feelings today. 

Am I missing out on something? What will you miss? No wait, what if the world doesn't end?

Motto of Indian Politicians: Stay Foolish, Stay Popular

One man, who can become the face of modern invention, made a startling statement - "Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish". I respect him for the way he changed mobile devices with innovative features (sometimes 'inspired' by others) that made consumers nothing less than a King! That's Steve Jobs.

Indian politics, meanwhile, has raised the bar even higher. They also modified the adage. It's no longer "Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish". Its now "Stay Foolish, Stay Popular". Based on some statements that our 'esteemed' politicians have made, there's no way for us to think otherwise. The issue in discussion is 'rape'. But, as I have always maintained, Indian politics is more 'issue-discussion' based than 'issue-eradication' based. Issues are not solved, they are just used to promote oneself to higher rungs of Indian politics. Here are some politicians (and a social group) who rose in the popularity charts for their utterly foolish statements.

Politician #1: She is the 11th and current Chief Minister of West Bengal. She is the first woman to hold the office. She is the first woman Railway Minister of India. In 2012, the Time magazine named her one of the "100 Most influential People in the World". She is popularly known as "Didi". Despite having such an influential profile, this is what she said:

"Earlier, parents would reprimand them if men and women held hands but now everything is done openly. It's like an open market with open options"

Politician #2: I have no idea who this politician is. I tried searching for "Dharambir Goyat" on Wikipedia and Wikipedia suggested I instead search for "Dharambir Goat". Seriously. Anyways, this guy is the Haryana Pradesh Congress Committee member and Congress Hisar district spokesman. This spokesman spoke the following on the issue: 

"90 per cent of rape cases are (a case of) consensual sex between the girl and boy. The girl gets into an affair with a boy and she goes with him without knowing that he is of criminal mindset. It's not the state government which is responsible for rapes. Infact in most of the cases it is consensual sex" 

Politician #3: He is an Indian politician from the state of Haryana. He has been Chief Minister of Haryana on 4 occasions. he as been with the NDA and UPA on various occasions - a true politician. He is Om Prakash Chautala and this is what he said:

"We should learn from the past... specially in Mughal era, people used to marry their girls to save them from Mughal atrocities and currently a similar situation is arising in the state. I think that's the reason khap has taken such a decision and I support it."

And this is what the Khap Panchayat said - "Boys and girls should be married by the time they turn 16-year-old, so that they do not stray... this will decrease the incidents of rape"  

I understand the fact that India supports free speech. But if you are representing a community / constituency, you ought to make responsible and logical comments. Or if you are presenting your opinion, do so with approved facts. Sometimes being silent shows you are more matured than opening your mouth.

And NO, I don't blame them. I blame each and every one of us. After all, we elected them! We gave them a voice and a platform and they made statements that can only be termed as - Foolishness. A slap on our faces!

Image: Kind courtesy: www.sowetanlive.co.za/

Oh, and by the way, we haven't even discussed what the victim might be going through.

Two sides of the same road

An incident happened.

After reaching Trivandrum airport from Mumbai, I was travelling towards my native home in a cab. At one of the crossroads, a car was trying to enter our lane. We, on our part, maintained the speed of our car. You know how it normally ends, right? Both the cars applied sudden brakes, drivers stare at each other, some choice words spoken, hand movements from the window and life moves on as if nothing happened! Then comes the "justification phase" of what happened to the co-passengers. How our driver saved us from eternal doom, reasons why the other driver was at fault, how is our driver's driving perfect, blah blah..

But what we normally miss is the other side of the story. The above mentioned story is a fact and now's its time to introduce some fiction.

Image: Kind courtesy  http://www.clker.com/

Story from our driver's standpoint:

This is the state of driving in our country. No one cares about others. Did you see what happened? We were driving straight, I even flashed the headlights for him to stop. He still had to poke his car's nose in our lane. He could've waited right? I have always maintained steady speed. I never drive fast. I am sure you have observed my driving skills. I care for the people who travel with me. Unlike the driver in the other car. Reckless driving! It's a rule, the preference always goes to the driver who's driving on a straight lane. How will he know the rule, he might have got his licence without the test. We have rules defined for safety of all the travellers. But who follows them now-a-days? It always happens in India. Look at the 'foreign' country, there are rules and there are punishments for breaking the rules... I blame my country for this. Blah.. Blah..

Story from the other driver's standpoint:
Did you see how reckless people are when it comes to driving? He was still far away from the crossroad. He could've slowed down. But did he? No! I even pressed the horn to indicate I am entering his lane. But what did he do in response? Nothing! How will I ever come to know that he wants me to stop. Thank God I had the common sense to avoid an accident. Otherwise we all would have been dead by now! It's only because of you guys that I didn't go and fight with him. I don't want you people to be late. You know, we have rules defined for safety of all the travellers. But who follows them now-a-days? It always happens in India. Look at the 'foreign' country, there are rules and there are punishments for breaking the rules... I blame my country for this. Blah.. Blah..

India's response: Yeah right. Blame me!

Moral of both the stories: We are always right, no matter what other say.

PS: This definitely is not location specific. This happens everywhere in our country. The only difference is the language of choice words used and hand gestures based on urban-rural divide.

What does Gandhi Jayanti mean to you?

October 2nd, ladies and gentlemen! Ideally, this day should mean a lot to us for a certain reason. Or, for a certain individual. Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi. Or Gandhiji. Or Bapu. Or the Father of the Nation. Or for today's generation - Gandhi. Address him the way you want to, he will remain the person who, through non-violence and perseverance, removed the British raj and made us "free". Atleast, we were free those days.

Speaking of Gandhiji, I am sure many people, especially today's youngsters, will remember his (suspected) wild ways. Character assassination is our favorite hobby, after all. And social media has done its part in spreading the "stories" that we ourselves cannot validate. However, we still love to read those stories and make our own judgement regarding people. Gandhiji is one such person. His 'apparent' womanizing ways is very well documented in the social media world. Now, I don't know if that is true and honestly, I don't care either. What he did or did not do in his personal life is none of my business. I only care for the struggles he took along with all the freedom fighters to ensure we have a free life. Which, I don't think, we have anymore.

Kind courtesy: webdunia.com

Anyways, this post is not to defend Gandhiji. This morning, I was thinking how different people from different walks of life would think of Gandhi Jayanti. This is purely my thought process based on what I have seen and heard and may not always be true. You may or may not relate to any one of the below. 

Lets look at the political class first:

• Ruling party: We remember Gandhiji this day as the person whose ideals we still follow and hope the country follows the same too. We would like to pay our homage to Gandhiji. Where's the media? We want this to be captured for tomorrow's front page sponsored article news headline.
• Opposition party: Unlike the ruling party who just follow the ideals of Gandhiji, we truly respect the father of the nation. We walk the talk. We are doing what Gandhiji did during the British raj. That time, Britishers were ruling our country. Now, Italians are ruling. (Sad case of Indian politics. Both the ruling and opposition party knows how to "use" this day for their benefit) 

Let's look at the common man:

• Cricket fanatics: Thank God we have a holiday to watch 2 important matches in the WT20 2012 championship. India is playing today. Why are we having a holiday today? Ohh, it's Gandhi's birthday! Atleast, he did something for this generation by having a holiday declared for his birthday.
• Holiday deprived employees: It's already evening? I slept the whole day without even realizing that I have to enjoy my holiday. Damn it! When is the next holiday?
• Extended Weekend families: Time to return home today. Had a great weekend thanks to a holiday on Tuesday. Gandhi finally did something for today's generation!
• Spirit loving people: Damn it! I hate dry-days.

Now the Social media fanatics:

• Common Twitter users: Happy Birthday #Gandhi! (So that Gandhi trends worldwide and we can "benefit" by gaining some followers and increase our influence)
• Social Media celebrity #1: Happy Birthday to our most dearest bapu #Gandhiji. Its bcoz of u that we are free. Jai Hind.
• Social Media celebrity #2: Happy Birthday #Gandhiji. If Gandhiji was alive, I would've stripped for his causes! (Typical case of sadistic celebrities)
• Social Media celebrity #3: Happy Birthday #Gandhiji. By the way, plz check my latest photos only for my sweetest followers
• Social Media celebrity #4: Happy Birthday to our most dearest bapu. Today, in his remembrance  I will wear only khaki's designed by my fav @RockyGalaxyS3
• Social Media celebrity @RockyGalaxyS3: @Celebrity#4 Thats so sweet of you, sweetheart :) By the way, there's a special discount for that attire, only for the day!
• Social Media celebrity #4:  RT @RockyGalaxyS3 @Celebrity#4 Thats so sweet of you, sweetheart :) By the way, there's a special discount for that attire, only for the day!

If you are familiar with twitter and know how celebrities promote each other for mutual gains, you will understand what I am talking about.

PS: This is purely a sarcastic post on how today's people consider Gandhi Jayanti more as a holiday than remembering the person who made this day possible because of the sacrifices he did to ensure we can "freely" enjoy our bonded life. 

A satire on how to solve world problems

Friends meeting after a long time commands discussion on a lot of topics. Like girl-friends - for those still single and taking their time, marriage for those who tied the knot, cricket, college times, pranks et al. But there's still a level of decency and diplomacy maintained in the get-together. There are some who don't want to behave the way they used to, when they were in college - now that they are supposedly 'responsible' and have a family to support. There are some who don't care about what others think and are always themselves. And then there are the other guys.

These guys need something to get going. Its like we need to start the machine (for Mechanical Engineering guys), switch on the plug (for Electrical Engineering guys) connect a cell / battery (Electronics) and boot your machine (Software / Hardware). There's only one thing that can turn them on (not literally though). A glass of Beer!

Now to the topic of this post - "Solution to World Problems". Once everyone is literally elevated to seventh heaven after many 'pegs', they are capable of viewing the Earth and its problems from a 'birds-eye' perspective. And the moment a problem is identified - a plethora of solutions are discussed and finalized upon. Following are some of the topics discussed and the response we get to hear in such meetings:

1. Fixing in cricket - The world knows about it guys! Everyone knows. Fixing exists in Cricket, it exists in all sports. It's like playing God! You know the result and manipulate it in such a way that it favors you. Its like drinking - I know what I want to drink, I manipulate (cocktail) it in such a way that it favors me - simple! I am telling you, there's only one solution to this. Instead of banning match-fixing and conducting probe, conduct a probe on why rest of the people are not fixing matches, on why matches are being played without someone fixing them. Ban people who are not fixing matches. Cricket lovers across the world will be confused. You ban chocolate and people will eat more chocolates. You ban spitting in public places, holi will be played that day.You ban people not fixing matches and no one will ever fix a match!
2. Same sex marriage - You see, it's all about being brand-loyal. I love a brand. I prefer drinks that belong to a brand. I don't care if the brand is feminine or masculine. I would like to believe it is masculine as it makes me more masculine. Hey, that's the solution. If two people like each other and make them feel what they want to feel, where's the issue?
3. Terrorism - You see, the problem is not as complicated as the news channels and the diplomats understand it to be. Two brothers had a problem, they fight. Their egos clash - it is normal. They have their own families. After the two brothers die, their families fight. Now you have multiple egos clashing - which is even more dangerous. Their families have their own families and the cycle goes on! All we need is for someone to bring them together - across the table - to have a free dialogue! And you need a catalyst to destroy the mindless egos inbuilt in them since the time one could imagine. What's the catalyst? Drinks, of course! Friendship is just a peg away! Bring the terrorists and the 'anti-terrorists' together, include a catalyst and bingo - the world is a better place to live again!

Pic was taken when some of us topped college and went to celebrate it.
I so miss those days!

PS: This post is dedicated to all my close friends, most of whom enjoy their beer and know how to entertain people like me! And yet, never forced me even for a peg and always allowed a non-drinker like me to be a part of the group. Needless to say, you guys are the best and I enjoy every single moment with you.

Also, I don't subscribe to the solutions I mentioned above. The solutions have sarcasm written all over it. All you need is to 'Read it with a pinch of salt and a glass of beer'.

Back to being responsible in life.

Cheers!

It seems the Air above India will be busy again..

Air India pilots have called off their strike! Their 58 day strike. A strike where they stood firm despite many of them being fired from their jobs. Despite the government taking an anti-pilot stand. Despite many passengers who 'trusted' Air India to continue normal operations after the King of good times ceased to be king anymore! So, no pilot is on sick leave anymore and the passengers have started feeling healthy. The good times are back, the king, however, is still struggling! I even blogged about Air India's sick leave situation in my post here.

Here's the complete news article from Reuters.

Excerpt: "A section of pilots at national carrier Air India, who were on a 58-day strike demanding exclusive rights to fly Boeing Dreamliners, called off their agitation late on Tuesday bowing to pressure from the government and a Delhi court intervention."

Now the obvious question, how does it impact me?

You see, 3 months back, I booked a flight ticket from a certain place to a certain place scheduled for August. The airlines in question: "Air India". I normally don't prefer Air India because of their services. For almost the same price, even Go Air and Spicejet (not to mention biggies like Jet and Kingfisher) provide better service. But in the spur of the moment, I booked Air India as the rate was highly (and may I repeat, highly) affordable. Also, there was no pilot's strike. Have a look at my decision, days after I took the ticket, the pilots started their strike! How did they even come to know that I booked the ticket!

Image courtesy: aircraftmaintenancengineering.blogspot.com

There are two contrasting proverbs I can think of right now (that describes my situation):

1. All's well that ends well - thankfully, the strike is over
2. It ain't over till the fat lady sings - till I fly and reach my destination, it ain't over.

Anyways, here's hoping there are more and more Air India's flying and competing with the Jet's, Go-Air's etc as more competition means more competitive rates and supposedly better service.

PS: On a more serious note, I sincerely wish the issues are settled amicably and the passengers are not troubled.

Success, today, is just a finger away!

That's all you need. That's "Attitude".

Here's a story of a loser guy who knows how to sing. Now this guys realizes the only way he can be successful in life is when he goes through the pain all successful singers went through! He desperately tries to fall in love with a girl, somehow becomes serious, becomes passionate, loses her (blah blah..) still goes after her, meets her again (blah blah again..). Eventually, when the police detains him, that's the moment he shows his middle finger. This is the story from the movie "Rockstar". The actor is Ranbir Kapoor. That year (2011) he goes on to win umpteen awards. Wonder what was the secret of his success?

Here's a story of an extremely talented Indian cricketer. He proved one and all that he is the future in the T20 and ODI format. He was taken to Australia for the Test series (2011). Along with the team, even he flopped. Indian team went through an embarrassing phase. As is always the custom in Indian cricket, one guy will have to take the responsibility of failure. The media pin-pointed our talented cricketer as the main reason. I can't blame the media here as even I felt he is the weakest link in the highly experienced Indian team. Even the Australian crowd felt that way. They started abusing him during matches. That's when he returns the favor. He shows his middle finger. Later that series, he scores a century and is considered as the only plus point in the otherwise lack lustre Indian team that toured Australia. His name is Virat Kohli. Wonder what was the secret of his success?

One man who popularized it was Stone Cold Steve Austin. He entered WWE (then WWF) as an over sized wrestler who eventually turned WWE's fortunes by thriving in the "Attitude Era". He is one of the main reasons why WWE is where it is now (#1 in professional wrestling + Entertainment). The ultimate anti-corporate! He showed his middle finger every single week. The irony is - his fans used to love it! He made middle finger popular! Have you ever heard of a "middle finger salute"? He did it! His fans responded back!

We are slowly but surely entering an era when students will vent their frustration directly at their teacher without saying a word and with only a single finger saying it all! Respect be damned!

If Virat Kohli (youth icon in cricket) can do it, why can't I? If Ranbir Kapoor (youth icon in Bollywood) can do it, why can't I?

On a lighter note, you need to channelize your talent along with the desired attitude to succeed. Only the finger won't help you as is evident in the image below.

An after-thought: I have a feeling that my post has been leaked given the fact that I am a product of Mumbai University and our history of leaking university papers! Incidentally, it was read by an Indian hockey player who used my theory to be successful. Let's all wish him success in his future endeavours!

From touching feet showing gratitude to a pointing finger showing attitude, India has finally come a long way!

Needless to say, sarcasm totally intended.

Images courtesy Google images.

There's something about this climate..

I don't understand why we have different climates across the world? Don't give me the scientific reason, I know the reason. But still, Life would've been much simpler had there been a single climate! Don't you think so?

The nature lover in you will say we need different climates as we need change. But you know what happened when a guy rooted for change in the US, now don't you? He brought change - from job to joblessness, from Bin Laden to no Bin Laden. Some changes affected us adversely, some positively.You see, changes in climate forces our internal mechanism to adjust and adapt. It forces different parts of the body to react differently. It takes time. And till the time we adapt, we remain sick! Had there been a single weather, our body would've remained stable.

It is more beneficial in a corporate setup. Employees will not be sick, productivity will increase, work will increase, more projects will come, more revenue and thereby more margin! Only if the management knew about such a situation. Even the marketers know about it. Did you see the AC ad which says the climate inside the room will always be pleasant irrespective of the climate outside! Maybe, the corporate admin decision makers will install such AC's across all the offices and remove sick leave from the list of leaves! Hey, am not giving any ideas, am just saying.

No seriously, there's something about this climate...

...I mean, how else can we explain the sudden sick leaves taken by the Air India pilots and more recently by the Kingfisher pilots? Maybe it's the food, maybe the air-conditioned cockpits, maybe the weather 10,000's of kms above the Earth. Who's to say?

Pilots take sick leave, and the safar becomes a suffer for the customers!

PS: Needless to say, Sarcasm totally intended. Here's wishing them speedy recovery!

Images kind courtesy: Satish Acharya's blog - World of an Indian cartoonist!. Must admit, it's an amazing blog. Has some fantastic cartoon collections. Do check the page.

A semi-satire on 'How to publish your first book'

It's every writers dream. It's the only reason why writers survive in today's times. It may be a cheap low price cost-effective book, worth less than Rs. 200/-. But when you actually hold the first copy of your first book, all the efforts, all the sacrifices seems to be worth it. In more than 99% of the cases, first book is always the stepping stone to - well -  the second book. And research proves that the authors who have published the first book invariably are one step closer to publish another one! Strange, but true!

Here, in this post, I will tell you how to publish your first book and take that first step to success. Now, I haven't written a book till date (if you ignore the Engineering and MBA exam papers). You can follow two different ways - traditional and modern. Here's the traditional way -

• Content: Only 3 things are needed to write. Content, Content & Content! Nothing sells like genuine content. You have a story that's different - pursue and publish it. You have a mystery, a poem,  - go for it.
• Proof reading: No mistakes, please. It will hamper your writing career.
• Acclaimed publishers: Better publishers, more is the reach, more sales, more publicity and hence, success. You know the cycle, don't you?

And we have a winner here: It's the latest technique. It's 100% fool-proof. People claim, 'nothing succeeds like success', I say this one surely does! It's a long term process though, but the results are worth it. The pre-requisite is that you have to be an Australian, but even a non-Australian can follow this:

• If you are a non-Australian, apply for their citizenship
• After successful application, you become a Australian citizen. Now try to learn Cricket
• Australian Cricket academy is very professional and strict. You might struggle for 5-8 years before finally claiming the baggy green
• Play for the Australian team for few years. Ensure you also play the IPL for international fame. Plan your injuries accordingly
• Retire from international cricket once you think you have achieved enough fame. But don't leave cricket altogether. Continue playing in IPL matches
• Once you realize your career in the IPL is over, retire gracefully with lots and lots of money. Go back to Australia
• Think of one of the many controversies you think will affect the Indians. Try cricket as it is your 'core competence'
• Write about Indian cricketers, their likes and dislikes (in the dressing room), who lied to whom, who changed the decision after winning the toss, who had political backing in the team, how one player was preferred as the captain over others. Anything. The rest of the book can contain crap about your life. No one will read it anyways.
• Before releasing the book, release a preview - especially to Indian media. You don't need to pay the marketing costs, they will take care of publicity themselves.
• You might have to go through many hate mails, but give them an incorrect e-mail id and an incorrect twitter handle.
• Once the hatred towards you dies down, publish the book. To the same audience. You see, we Indians don't believe in anything till we read it. The book will sell like anything in India. The hatred will continue for some more time. Since the contact details are incorrect, you will not come to know.
• You should be concerned only with profits and the tag of a 'best seller'. It's yours! Congratulations!

If you don't trust me, ask Greg Chappell. On second  thoughts, you need not be an Australian to succeed. If you are controversial, anything you write will sell. Ask Shoaib Akhtar.

This post has been selected as one of the Tangy Tuesday Picks by Blogadda.

Steps followed once a Test series is Lost.

All the steps mentioned in this post happens in almost every second sport. Its quite prevalent in Indian cricket too. Maybe its the culture thing. It happened to us when we lost the away series in England (4-0). It is happening in Australia where we have lost and there's still a test match (and our pride) remaining. Now I am not here to character assassinate our cricket team. I am a dedicated fan and I know we will soon be in a transitional phase where the seniors will be replaced by promising youngsters. Although I hate the way our media is blaming the seniors for the loss. Yes, they should have performed better. But what was our captain doing? And how's our new coach responding? Lots of questions unanswered. But our media loves the usual time tested questions!! Anyways, cannot blame them either. They have a business to run. Their business needs more eyeballs, more eyeballs mean more rate for a 10 sec ad, more rate would mean more revenue - which is why they are in the market! So who should we blame now?

MS Dhoni and Michael Clarke - Maybe depicting the size of the hole Indian team finds themselves in

This post is intended to be a light-hearted post on what normally happens after we lose a test series.

Step #1 - Shock / Loss of words

This is the easiest part. As it is, we have lost on a global stage. Our loss was there for the world to see and decipher. And very few will actually be interested to hear what the losing captain has to say. There's nothing new to say anyways. Following are some of the words that any losing captain uses in his press conference: "Opposition played well", "It was a matter of one session", "We batted, bowled and fielded poorly", "There are some positives we can take out of this match" and mention one cricketer and start praising him and relate him to the future of Indian cricket. By the way, there were many who could have been part of the future - Dinesh Mongia, Hrishikesh Kanitkar, Ajit Agarkar, Parthiv Patel (especially after the 2003 World Cup), Piyush Chawla etc. Now they are part of the past and traces of present.

Step #2 - Blame Game

Now this is where, I believe, we are good at. Though our captain said he will take the blame, I don't think BCCI will punish him. ICC did the dirty work - they banned him from the fourth test for slow over-rate! We ended the match in less than 3 days!! Slow over-rate?? But now is the time we need to pin-point the reason(s) why we lost. Now, we cannot blame Sachin. He is a legend. And even though he didn't get his 100th 100 so far, he still has been consistent. Dravid cannot be blamed either. He is perhaps our most consistent batsman ever! That leaves 2 out of 11 players out of the blame game. We normally have 4-5 youngsters in our team. We don't blame them. We just drop them from the team. That leaves 4 players who can take the blame. For the past 1 year before the 2011 World Cup, Yuvraj took the blame on his shoulders and later became the man of the series in the World Cup. For the series against England, Harbhajan was forced to take the responsibility on his shoulders. He was surprisingly declared injured but played in the subsequent Champions League and led Mumbai Indians to their first ever trophy! Strange, isn't it?  With the Australian "Agneepath" series about to end, someone from Gambhir, Sehwag, Kohli, Dhoni and Laxman should take the blame. Gambhir showed some spark, Sehwag needs just one 200+ innings and his future is secured. Kohli is a youngster. Dhoni is the captain. So, that leaves one person. Ironically, he is the cricketer Australians fear. VVS Laxman! I honestly feel sorry for VVS. The guy had been overshadowed by Sachin, Dravid and Ganguly all throughout his career. He had to prove himself every now and then! Very Very Special became Very Very Scrutinized!

 

Step #3 - We will plan a home series and will defeat them, preferably by the same margin

 

That's the power of power!! That's our mentality. We did the same thing against England. We also call the talented young bunch of West Indies here, decimate them and feel proud of ourselves. We plan a series against Bangladesh, win the series and improve our overseas track-record! Having said all this, I am proud that we are ODI champions even though we won it in our own backyard!

 

Sarcasm aside, I seriously feel we need to prepare ourselves better for the transition. Removing all 4 seniors from the team at the same time will be suicidal. We need to find the right mix to replace the seniors. One positive we have is our bench strength - and all thanks to IPL and Ranji Trophy. Australia went through the same transition. From being champions they lost in the Q/F of the World Cup and are now 4th in Test championships. They now have a better team and will surely challenge India in 2015 World Cup!

 

Indian Cricket fans - It's time for "Baptism by Fire". Fasten your seat-belts. We are in for a rough ride!! And I am not talking about results, am talking about the transition.

Things that need to be screened / censored in India..

In today's times when people are not shy to name a movie 'The Dirty Picture' and is well appreciated by the audience, a certain Mr. Kapil Sibal hit upon a noble idea to pre-screen social networking contents. You can read my article on this topic here (which, by the way, was well appreciated, contrary to my perception). Anyways, here I intend to write a light-hearted post. Mr. Sibal has actually given me and our fellow countrymen an idea on things we think should be screened / censored before being out in the open. You can think of anything under the sun and can comment on the same. Here's what I thought under the sun - 

Image: redbubble.com

1. Innumerable chair shots in Parliament: Not that we don't like watching it!! See, the thing is, today's kids watch TV all the time. And apart from watching TV, they also like to surf. Once in a while, they might bump onto Lok Sabha TV (which we thought never existed). Chances are pretty high that they will come across a WWE'sque match with a referee (chair-person) who cannot even ring the bell to call off the match. Watching is fine for kids, and there's no problem till now. It becomes a problem when they blindly follow the leaders their parents have voted for. We Indians don't have too many chairs in our house and unlike the parliament, we buy our own chairs. 

2. Daily Soaps: Most of the Indian women will object to this, but I have to write this. As was explained in the first point, watching is fine. It's a problem only when the same stuff is replicated in real life. You don't want to compare two (or more) bahu's and start judging them. You don't want a saas to think that she was a better bahu than her bahu. Writing the previous line made me sick - I can only imagine what my readers are going through!! I can understand that this is the favorite topic on which Indian house-wives have a viewpoint on. And they are ready to watch repeat telecast of the same serials they watched a night ago - maybe to see if they missed a line or an expression that can define the next episode!! Who knows - I am just speculating.

3. Reality shows: It started with a bang. I must admit -  I used to follow reality shows like Roadies, Khatron ke Khiladi (because I loved Fear Factor), Emotional Atyachaar (because I knew it was fake and characters are models who intend to be future actors), Bigg Boss (because I genuinely liked the concept till I realized all this was staged). Though these shows are different, it became more of a repetition with different characters doing the same role again! No new story-line, you see. Reality shows have come as a huge market for stars who have lost in the movie / serial market and want to re-invent themselves. So, effectively, we are watching a bunch of people decide who's the loser among the losers. Hey, am not judging - this is evident by what we see on TV.

4. Bollywood songs: Technically, I don't see this happening. Gone are the days when lyrics used to be the soul of the song. A song used to be loved because of the words / phrases used and the meaningfulness. Now-a-days, no meaning is fine. We only want some dhin-chak in a song so that it can be played in pubs and our i-pods for us to look cool. I feel bad for lyricists like Gulzar sa'ab and Javed Akhtar who were instrumental in revolutionizing the music industry with their content. We are now living in a "Kolaveri" age where the actual soup boys are the poets and lyricists.

5. Social Media screening: We should seriously consider screening the content we share on facebook and Twitter (and blogger). 

PS: While publishing, I had mentioned only 4 points. I have no idea who included the 5th one. Maybe this post was pre-screened and found objectionable. Blogger might have updated the post to make sure the government is happy. I tried deleting the 5th point, but when I publish it again, it appears out of nowhere.

Sarcasm totally intended. Take it with a pinch of salt.

When dividing is not always the solution..

In order to analyze anything, it is always advised to divide it into segments, analyze those small segments and then make an informed judgement on the whole piece. That's how research and analysis works, even in the industry. And even in politics. With just a slight twist.

The British came to rule over our country. We were united. They divided us - because our combined strength was too much for them to handle. They ruled, we fought back and eventually they left. That's history now!! But what's still present in our country is the concept of dividing!! We divide people on the basis of caste and religion (and color). Did I hear racism?? But there's a new trend in town - Dividing states!!

In the early 2000's, we formed 3 new states: Chhattisgarh (from Madhya Pradesh), Uttaranchal (from Uttar Pradesh) and Jharkhand (from Bihar). If that was not enough, Andhra Pradesh is fighting for a different state of Telangana. And now, the biggest of them all - Mayawati is entering the fray to divide UP into 4 different states (The decision to divide UP will be discussed in the winter session of the parliament)!! I am sorry, but did anyone keep track of the number of states we will have once all the division is done and dusted?? I, for one, didn't.

Honestly, I understand the sentiments of the people concerned. Some of them have been fighting for a long time to have a separate state and well, lets just say, they deserve a new state. But a majority of people (Read: Political class) are doing it for their own selfish needs!! Earlier we realize it, the better.

Case in point: Uttar Pradesh. UP is the biggest state in India. Its also the most populous one too. In fact, if UP were a country, it would have been 5th most populous country!! Why do we need to divide UP? Ask their ruling party and they will say it can help all 4 states in the overall development of the land and people. It will allow the party to focus on each and every sect and address and solve their problems. This is the superficial reason. All's good and fine till now.

But what is the underlining reason: Ask the Britishers, they know it from experience: "Divide and Rule". Any political party will have better control over many small states rather than ruling one large state. Mayawati, out of nowhere, will now control 4 different states (if the state is actually divided). This automatically translates into a bigger party ready to control the Centre. You see, India doesn't have a single party ruling the country. It's a coalition. And in a coalition, you have to listen to all the parties concerned - even if they is small, because numbers matter. Ask Congress about their relations with DMK and they will explain it better!! This kind of situation in the centre is apt for BSP, Mayawati's party. Once UP is divided, they will have the numbers and can then support one group of parties trying to form a coalition. Once the coalition is formed, trust me, BSP will have a big say on Centre's political decision-making - similar to what didi from Bengal has right now!!

Let's continue dividing our country!! It's cool, right? And given the fact that we are obsessed with milestones, we can even overtake US (with 50 states). Speaking of US, they are also trying to increase their number of states. We have tough competition guys!! Let's not lose focus and strive towards dividing our country for political gains.

Sad State of affairs.

PS: This is a sarcastic post as you might have already figured.

This post has been selected as one of the picks for Blogjunta's Editor Choice.