Friday, March 23, 2012

A semi-satire on 'How to publish your first book'

It's every writers dream. It's the only reason why writers survive in today's times. It may be a cheap low price cost-effective book, worth less than Rs. 200/-. But when you actually hold the first copy of your first book, all the efforts, all the sacrifices seems to be worth it. In more than 99% of the cases, first book is always the stepping stone to - well -  the second book. And research proves that the authors who have published the first book invariably are one step closer to publish another one! Strange, but true!

Here, in this post, I will tell you how to publish your first book and take that first step to success. Now, I haven't written a book till date (if you ignore the Engineering and MBA exam papers). You can follow two different ways - traditional and modern. Here's the traditional way -
  • Content: Only 3 things are needed to write. Content, Content & Content! Nothing sells like genuine content. You have a story that's different - pursue and publish it. You have a mystery, a poem,  - go for it.
  • Proof reading: No mistakes, please. It will hamper your writing career.
  • Acclaimed publishers: Better publishers, more is the reach, more sales, more publicity and hence, success. You know the cycle, don't you?
And we have a winner here: It's the latest technique. It's 100% fool-proof. People claim, 'nothing succeeds like success', I say this one surely does! It's a long term process though, but the results are worth it. The pre-requisite is that you have to be an Australian, but even a non-Australian can follow this:
  • If you are a non-Australian, apply for their citizenship
  • After successful application, you become a Australian citizen. Now try to learn Cricket
  • Australian Cricket academy is very professional and strict. You might struggle for 5-8 years before finally claiming the baggy green
  • Play for the Australian team for few years. Ensure you also play the IPL for international fame. Plan your injuries accordingly
  • Retire from international cricket once you think you have achieved enough fame. But don't leave cricket altogether. Continue playing in IPL matches
  • Once you realize your career in the IPL is over, retire gracefully with lots and lots of money. Go back to Australia
  • Think of one of the many controversies you think will affect the Indians. Try cricket as it is your 'core competence'
  • Write about Indian cricketers, their likes and dislikes (in the dressing room), who lied to whom, who changed the decision after winning the toss, who had political backing in the team, how one player was preferred as the captain over others. Anything. The rest of the book can contain crap about your life. No one will read it anyways.
  • Before releasing the book, release a preview - especially to Indian media. You don't need to pay the marketing costs, they will take care of publicity themselves.
  • You might have to go through many hate mails, but give them an incorrect e-mail id and an incorrect twitter handle.
  • Once the hatred towards you dies down, publish the book. To the same audience. You see, we Indians don't believe in anything till we read it. The book will sell like anything in India. The hatred will continue for some more time. Since the contact details are incorrect, you will not come to know.
  • You should be concerned only with profits and the tag of a 'best seller'. It's yours! Congratulations!

If you don't trust me, ask Greg Chappell. On second  thoughts, you need not be an Australian to succeed. If you are controversial, anything you write will sell. Ask Shoaib Akhtar.


This post has been selected as one of the Tangy Tuesday Picks by Blogadda.

50 comments:

  1. lol:) you cracked me up on some lines.

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    1. Thanks for reading Kajal! Glad you liked it :)

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  2. The new 'management guru' incarnate:)Nice one!

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  3. Even though I don't have anything to get published, still I have doubts.
    1) Traditional way- I understand
    2) Latest technique- You wrote keeping men in mind. What do we girls do? Go for sex change or become a sardar like Rani Mukherjee became in some lame cricket movie(Dil bole hadippa, I guess)

    I want the answer immediately!!!! :D
    Loved the post! It was hilarious!

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    1. Now that's something I should've thought about!! You are right.. For girls, they have 2 options..

      1. A sex change as you rightly mentioned.
      2. Getting into the Australian ladies / women's team.
      3. Marrying an Australian cricketer!

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  4. Replies
    1. Sadiya! Long time!! I've answered your question in the comment above. Do check.

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  5. Superb! Very well written! All you need to be famous these days is a controversy. The hype indian media creates can be seconded by none!

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    1. True Arti! And being famous is what we crave for, now-a-days! Sad state of affairs.

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  6. :) he he he wonderful .. I cant beleive what AKHTAR has said in his book, I mean they say we should have sportsmanship , sports men have a big heart .. Its all a myth why would one put doen another sports person just to make the book sell..

    ridiculous and how did they become bestsellers , jsut by selling the FIRST copy they seem to get that tag ..

    and Greg Chappel well I better not say anything about this IDIOT..

    Bikram's

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    1. Sportsmanship be damned, is what these people might be saying in return for a few more cents! After all, money talks! And when it does, everyone takes notice.

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  7. Hahaha... Very true.

    Picking on Indian cricketers is the easiest way for a cricketer to sell his autobiography. Ask Adam Gilchrist (incidentally another Aussie).

    Akhtar was very well picked on by AMUL when they made a slogan 'TAB BHI PHEKTA THA, AB BHI PHEKTA HAI' ;)

    P.S. You can also be a Chetan Bhagat, write downright hopeless content, use sub standard language and sell your book.

    Great post as usual :)

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    Replies
    1. Seriously yaar Vishal!

      And regarding Chetan Bhagat, he knows the art of selling books to Indians. He is targeting a mass audience (carpet bombing, in marketing terms). And hence the type of books he publishes.

      PS: Amul print ads are the best in the world! Respect!

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  8. I have to agree with the Engineering Papers :-D
    And, Controversy sells, always. Doesn't it?
    Nice tips for the desperate ones :-)

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    Replies
    1. Engg times were great yaar.. I wish the 'desparate ones' mention me in their books :D

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  9. Hehe, you can say it!:-)
    Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

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  10. LOL...Binu, I thought, you were giving some gyan and I might get get the road to publish my book. As far as the Australian way is concerned, I am afraid I can never do that. The only book which I haven't completed in my life is by an Australian author. BTW, you can surely become a best selling author if you continue writing like this...

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    1. I am sure as and when I write a book, you will be one of the first to read it!! :) Thanks Saru :)

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    2. I promise you that for sure. You are one of the bloggers I look up to. I will buy the book and if possible tell you to sign it whenever we will meet...:)

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  11. 'Plan your injuries accordingly.
    Release a preview - especially to Indian media. You don't need to pay the marketing costs, they will take care of publicity themselves.'

    The above two lines were a total LOL and are so true! Shoaib's comment about Sachin being afraid of him, was such a seller. I am sure 1000s bought that book, only to read that line :-P

    and about the book's cost being less than 200-> this so applies to chetan bhagat's books. I don't like that author :-| but people still buy that!

    As for Greg, who remembers his cricketing career, after such a 'bright' coaching one!

    Perfect pointers to a best seller in India.

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    Replies
    1. True Jenny! Shoaib knew how to sell his book in India.. And he did succeed!! Same applies for Greg...

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  12. Hahaha...nice one Binu...:) You made publishing a book so simple when many feel its exhausting...:) Great post..

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    1. Thanks Prashanth!! I will only realize the pain involved in the publishing process when I start my own book!! :D

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  13. Hello! You have an award awaiting on my blog :-)

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  14. Congrats, Binu! This post featured as a Tangy Tuesday on Blogadda.com :D

    Well deserved! Keep it going :)

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Vishal. And thanks Blogadda! Its truly an honor..

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  15. haha- very well true- and...Shoaib is my fav cirkcy.

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    1. Thanks Sush! And regarding Shoaib, I respect him for his cricket.. And that's where it stops..

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  16. Very good! Points, which I will always preserve... until I publish my first book! :P :D

    Please do participate in this contest : Coolest Blog Contest 2012

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    1. Thanks Ankit.. Will surely check the contest..

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  17. very nice yaa, i will surely keep all these in mind..

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    1. Thanks Ruchi.. Glad you dropped in..

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  18. Thanks for this interesting post

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  19. Awesome!
    I was just thinking of writing a book :P

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  20. A collection of such articles can make a book. ;) Think on those lines.. :P

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    1. Hehe.. Now that's an idea Sahana!! :)

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  21. Oh gosh.. Is it so difficult to write a book huh??? haha.. Enjoyed reading it..:)

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  22. getting published taking the baggy green route!it was more than semi-satire,as the title says...enjoyed this read..nicely woven Binu..keep sharing!!

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  23. Great points. But I guess aside from genuine content, performing a market research to check for demand is vital. Some individuals think one should take the opposite approach and hope that there are no products selling in their niche. They don't consider that there's a good reason that a products don't exist on a particulate topic. It's because there isn't a demand for them. Now I admit there are occasionally revolutionary ideas that have become popular, but most of these ideas were driven by massive advertising budgets.

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    Replies
    1. Now that's quite a realistic take :)

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All yours..

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